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Is What They Told Me... When My Baby's Heart No Longer Had A Beat  .:*She Clings To the Hand of God to Keep from Going Wild... And In His Presence Comes to Know... His other Hand holds her child*:.
August 19th, 2006 was a day I will never forget. After going through a couple rough times prior to this time, Anthony and I found out we were expecting a baby. We were both 19 at the time and our son came about 2weeks after I turned 20. Although we were young and still are, we were so delighted to know of our new addition. 12 weeks marked the day we heard the heart beat of our little one. So fast and strong at 156bpm, hearing the pulsating of our babies heart joyed us beyond belief. I cried tears of excitement. From that day on I called our baby "our angel baby". The weeks passed by and my belly got bigger and bigger. At 19 weeks and 5 days (December 1st, 2006) I drove nervously into the doctor's office to hopefully reveal the sex of our baby. I was discouraged at first because the doctor said "Don't get your hopes up, Taylor, a lot of times the baby is too crunched up to see the sex." So my nerves were building and soon enough I was laying down for my first ultrasound. I don't know why, but when I first saw my beautiful baby in black and white on the screen, I didn't cry I just laughed and smiled. I said "how does the baby look, can you tell what it is?" "that's the least of your worries, but would you like to know?" Being a huge medical geek myself, I said of course and the doctor said "Then you tell me what you see." Clear as day, I saw that we were having a baby boy. We named him Dominic Anthony. He then became known as our angel boy. My entire family was back home in NY and I lived in CO with my husband, Anthony, at the time. So i created a website for Dominic. www.babiesonline.com/c/collaso. Every check up I updated his page. I took weekly pictures of my growing belly and posted at large on the internet. We had two showers. One in NY and one in CO. Dominic had more clothes than a moviestar. I surrounded myself in Dominic. I made weekly visits the the computer chair to see what was happening with him that week. Inch by inch, day by day, before I knew it I was 35 weeks and 4 days and I was once again in the ultrasound chair, only this time it was 3D/4D. Something inside me told me that if I didn't get this wonderful memory saving ultrasound done, I would regret it, so I didn't ignore my gut feeling and went ahead with it. I now hold those pictures near and dear to my heart. April 2, 2007 marked the day our gorgeous baby boy, Dominic Anthony Collaso was born.... still. I was 37 weeks along. I had been to the doctor's the wednesday before he passed and everything was fine. The doctor was "debating" on whether or not to send me to the hospital because I was seeing spots and having other syptoms of hugh blood pressure. So I asked him "well should I go or not?" and he just responded with "I'll leave it up to you, but they'll probably just send you home." So I went home. I should've gone.. I should've just driven straight there. Regardless of my symptoms, he didnt pay much mind to them and so him being the doctor, I figured everything was fine and there was no real threat. Then three days later, I felt my child pass away inside of me. My body was his start into the world and before I knew it, the same body that cared for him so well, became his tomb. I have no words. He was and is everything I dreamed of and more. I never experienced perfection until that moment when I looked into the face of my darling boy. They say the bond between a mother and her child is one that no one will ever know until they experience it. I know this is so very very true now. Saturday, March 31st, I was sitting on my mother-in-law's couch and everything seemed fine. Dominic was always a very VERY active baby and so he was doing his normal kicks and scrambles within my belly. At about 11:00p.m. while visiting with my in-laws still, I felt him quiver and sort of shake. It was a movement I hadn't ever felt before and I said to myself "Gosh that felt like a death movement" and of course no one thinks that their baby just died, so I went on through the night and went to sleep a short while after. Morning came around.... April Fools Day. My eyes were still closed and I saw myself laying down in the position that I was only with a flat stomach. I just simply did NOT feel pregnant anymore. I knew he was still there, though, so I ignored my initial gut feeling that I had paid attention to so many times before. He was always so active in the morning and I felt nothing. I drank a Mountain Dew and ate breakfast. I got in the shower, laid on my side, just anything to get my baby to show me he was okay. Still nothing. They say you should feel about 10 movements from your little one by noon and 11:45 rolled around and still nothing. I called my husband who ordered me right away to call the doctor, which I did. I was admitted into the hospital at about 2:00p.m. that day after the nurse and doctor there couldn't find his little heart beat. I prayed for a miracle. I prayed that this was simply Dominic's playful personality making light of April Fools Day. The doctors just said "I'm sorry it doesn't look good." I called my brother who is like my father since my dad passed when I was three years old. He didn't know what to say. My mother flew out the next day and arrived at the hospital a couple hours after I delivered him. I delievered after 27 hours of labor at 4:45p.m. April 2, 2007. The entire 27 hours were agonizing. I knew I was going through the miracle of birth, but not going home with my baby boy in my arms strapped tightly in the back seat of our car. I knew I wasn't going to have to keep the music down low so he would sleep and I know I wouldn't have to leave a restaurant because his cries were too loud. While some parents would complain of these things, they have become my fantasies and my dreams. I would give anything to have him here.... ANYTHING. I know God chose me to carry his angel and to bring existence to such an exquisite life. He is meant for bigger things than this world could ever offer. The night before I delivered I had this sort of "dream" but I was completely awake. My eyes were open, but I could see nothing around me other than black vines creeping in around me. ONce these vines surrounded me I saw a little white bird perched on one of the prickers. Forgive me as I cry and share this experience with you all, but this is something I need everyone to know. As the bird chirped so loudly and tried with all it's might to escape these black vines, the bright sun, gleaming orange and gold rose up and slowly opened the vines as if it were peeling and melting them away. The bird chirped one last cry and flew through the opening in the vines and I never saw the vines again after that. Some people argue and say that it was the medication that made that happen, but my better judgement tells me it was the Lord. He showed me that this is what my baby was meant for.... a place of complete serenity and happiness. It prepaired me for these weeks and months after leaving the hospital without my baby. Now, to add to the story, we later found out that Dominic mean "Belonging to the Lord" and that is just was he is. He is my angel boy with wings so strong. My husband and I almost felt like the name "Dominic" was calling us so strongly and so we said "I just feel like he should be named this, I can't explain it, but this is our choice." I called him my angel boy throughout the whole thing and sure enough, that is what he is. My angel boy. He is with God now and we had his little body cremated. His ashes are in an urn and within our necklaces that both my husband and I wear. God is good and I am not angry with him, but I am some days angry that my son isn't here with me. I know he was meant to touch the lives of people all over the world and that is just what he is doing. He has become such a force. He was 7lbs 4.2oz and 20 and 1/4 inches long. My baby boy, rest easy. Mommy and Daddy love you for all eternity. You are the smile in every child and the tears of every family who loses a loved one. You are the breeze that whispers through the trees and the flower that blooms underneath the sun. I am IN LOVE WITH YOU, Dominic Anthony Collaso. May you live, laugh, love, and rejoice with God and all the angels in heaven. Have faith and never lose hope, my darling. Mommy is here. Mommy is here on even the darkest days that even an angel like you may have. Call on mommy, Dominic, and I will answer. I am one prayer or even one dream away. Rest now baby boy. We love you more than anything in this world and even life itself. Forever & Always, Mommy. 
 My Mom, she tells a lot of lies,
She never did before
But from now until she dies,
She'll tell a whole lot more.
Ask my Mom how she is
And because she can't explain,
She will tell a little lie
because she can't describe the pain.
Ask my Mom how she is,
She'll say"I'm alright."
If that's the truth, then tell me,
why does she cry each night ?
Ask my Mom how she is
She seems to cope so well,
She didn't have a choice you see,
Nor the strength to yell.
Ask my Mom how she is,
"I'm fine, I'm well, I'm coping."
For God's sake Mom, just tell the truth,
Just say your heart is broken
She'll love me all her life
I loved her all of mine.
But if you ask her how she is,
She'll lie and say she's fine.
I am here in Heaven
I cannot hug from here.
If she lies to you don't listen
Hug her and hold her near.
On the day we meet again,
We'll smile and I'll be bold.
I'll say,
"You're lucky to get in here, Mom,
With all the lies you told!"
 
I will see you through
I know it was not easy, for you to let him go,
but love like yours would not hold back, your love to suffer so.
And so I took him quickly, so he would never know,
a lengthy time of darkness, that would distress him so.
I left his body here awhile, so you could have some time,
to be prepared to let him go, he was already Mine.
I bid him come while happy, with joyous plans ahead,
and laughter in his face and heart, and not one thought of dread.
You have the most to suffer, your loneliness to bear,
but know that he is safe with Me, within My loving care.
And never doubt My love for you, I know you wonder why,
just know My strength will be your joy, My love will never die.
I bore my son's own suffering, and I will bear yours too,
give me your doubts and pain and hurt and I will see you through.
 
I looked toward the clouds today
and for a moment saw your face
And wondered just where you have gone with the hope it's a peaceful place
Did you show yourself to me today
to tell me you're all right?
Or was it just a daydream
playing tricks upon my sight
Then I thought of when you left
still too young to say a word
Yet the look you gave us said it all
in our hearts, your good-bye was heard
You have changed our lives forever
your short time here not in vain
and hope you know we tried it all
to keep you safe from pain
We will always feel the void inside
because you are not here
But each new thought you send our way
let's us know you're always near
So until our journey nears it's end
and we hear the Angels sing
We'll face each new day as it comes
and live off the Love you bring.
 
I would like to send a letter to heaven
and address it to the one I love.
My child has left this world,
to be with the Lord above.
I would tell him that I love him,
and that I miss his loving touch.
I would say we’re lost without him
and we miss him - - oh so much.
I would ask if he could visit,
if we promised not to cry.
Maybe one more time to see him
We forgot to say "Good-bye."
We will try to control our emotions
we truly feel we could.
So please - - we need a visit.
We promise we'll be good.
It is so hard, we miss him.
Oh Lord, this feeling is the worst.
We know you gave him to us,
yes, we know you had him first.
But you called him prematurely,
I'm sorry I question your will.
I know you have your reasons
but Lord - - I miss him still.
If you'd only make an exception
please consider what we plea.
It is so hard accepting that our son
- - We will never see.
Oh baby Dominic I write you this letter
with all the love there is to be had.
Because it's not just me who's hurting
there are many more and your dad.
We need so much to see you,
then we'll try to let you rest.
But if not in this world, baby,
then we'll see you in the next.
So I’m sending a letter to heaven,
and pray you hear my plea.
But if the answer is not what I’m asking --
Lord come and rescue me!
Velamentous InsertionLet Dominic Use His Wingsclick the link to find out about this condition of the cord/placenta |
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